Perhaps you find yourself in a situation of overwhelm, where trying to make the best out of every day is just never good enough. You are constantly learning and trying and failing or verging on failure. And then someone comes along and says, “don’t be so hard on yourself!” As if that isn’t just another criticism! You’ve already successfully internalized self-critical awareness. It’s as if trying to not be hard on yourself is just adding one more challenge to the mix. Pretending to not be hard on ourselves is the best we can pull off at that moment in time.
Well, forget about self-doubt for a moment, you don’t need any more sweet words of meaningless consolation. What you need is a breakthrough! A legitimate bona fide break through. Actually to have breakthroughs on consistent throughout your day, so that you can ace the hurdle jump of life without even losing your breath.
Well, apparently it’s possible to manufacture breakthroughs on a significant and consistent basis. Let’s start by asking some key questions. What if you had to deal with living this same way for the REST of your life? What if you had to keep rolling the proverbial stone up the hill for literally eternity?
My answer to those questions is that I would hate that!
Let’s ask some more questions: What if you didn’t have to roll the boulder up the hill any more, starting right now? What if you gave up everything you’ve been striving for? What if you and me both took a deep breath, and said a loud royal FUCK IT! Your mom and dad might die without ever giving you their approval. You might lose your best friend or partner. You might lose your job. You might have to go to jail because you become so impoverished you have to resort to stealing food. Maybe these things sound nasty (Sorry!), but for the sake of the inquiry, it doesn’t matter at all because today you’re only goal is finding a patch of grass to soak in the warm afternoon sun.
Fuck it all! Stay with me, now, we haven’t actually learned anything yet. All we’ve managed to do is to question whether the ongoing pattern of your life seems to be pointing to doom and despair, and to question whether there is a potential to let that go completely. While this article is not intended to solve all your problems for you (because you can do that better than me), for the right now, let’s ask some more questions. What were some of the emotions that came up after I told you to call the whole thing off? Look away from the page and think of at least three now.
If you didn’t sit long enough to feel your actually feelings, please stop now. The only way you can experience genuine personal growth uniquely tailored to you. You have to take this stuff very personally. You take the wheel for a minute (or better five minutes), and imagine a picture of your whole life and painting it over with white paint. Without getting caught up into too much thinking, try to label the specific moods or tones of the thoughts in your head or the sensations in your body.
Some potential things that could come up are: feeling irritated that this is another stupid self-help tactic (You are totally valid for feeling this way!) Or maybe you felt frustrated, angry, empty, sad. Or, feeling mostly neutral, and overall foggy. Some of you doubtlessly even experienced a brief glimpse of joy. Even if there was another neutral or unpleasant sensation that overwhelmed your reaction, if there was joy in there, don’t deny it. Don’t exaggerate it either. But perhaps this is a curious phenomena worth savoring and examining within your own psyche? Just tuck it in your pocket for now, and see if you can find a pattern the next time that little joy thing pops up.
Let’s continue asking questions. What if, instead of having a goal to find a patch of grass to lay down in, we just found a mental patch of grass right now. If we just drop everything we are doing, what are usually the first things to come up? Maybe bodily discomfort. Maybe a cascade of thoughts. Maybe emotions like fear boredom or anxiety, or even others like blankness, anticipation, or even bliss. Let’s ask a new question that assumes you are a science experiment. What if a research team took you (the test subject), and asked, “What happens when we put this particular test subject (you) into an experiment where there task is to no worry about doing anything?” Let’s get curious. Go and try it. No time requirement here. Stay in the not having to do anything mode for long enough to feel satisfied that you have some new empirical results. Try to stay with it a little bit longer than comfortable. Then come on back.
Go do nothing now please. If you haven’t already.
And, I’m totally curious what your answer was, but seeing as this is not a two way street, I will share with you the secret inner workings of my mind. First I was drawing a blank (and literally looking at a blank wall). Then I noticed the noises of the people and coffee shop around me. I thought a bit about what I would write next, but reminded myself that I’m not supposed to be worried about anything. I hit a very subtle wall of boredom, and tried to stay a little bit longer. Then I noticed some body sensations: slight head and shoulder ache, shallow breathing. I adjusted my posture and wondered if I could write the rest of this article with a gentler, deeper breath, which brought about a sense of satisfaction and being subdued.
Good! We have successfully reached another layer of consciousness. The place you and I arrive at may be a little different. No worries! You’re still in my experiment, and your goal is to not worry about anything…
But now what? Well, if you are someone who would read this, or if you are human, you probably actually do need to do something. Don’t forget, you’re still in the experiment! Not worrying… Let’s do another self-inquiry sesh. What happens if I sit long enough in doing nothing at all, that you have exhausted the thoughts that come up and threaten to make you worry about them? What happens if we sit long enough to get past trying to fix our problems just to see what’s on the other side? You can try this now, or keep reading.
What tends to happen when you’ve sat with yourself long enough to move through all of the minutia and craziness that comes up? You may have moments of stark contrasting clarity. For example, “Clearly I HAVE to go to the bathroom!” Well, clearly, that’s what you should go do. But while you’re sitting on that pretty little porcelain potty, remember that you are still in this big experiment to see what happens when a “you” is asked to literally not worry about anything.
Okay, maybe the next thing that comes up is that you want to go do something pleasant like go to the coffee shop or watch a movie or call your friend to ask her what to do. Those things are all fine, but perhaps they don’t have the same sharp clarity as the potty signal. Perhaps these activities are being clouded by worry about how you are still not solving any of your problems. Or, maybe the next thing that comes to mind is that if you just leave your job or go and do whatever you wanna do, might be briefly satisfying, but in your head seem to lead to doom and gloom. Well we don’t actually want you to go in the direction of doom and gloom, so just stay at your job, but at least take five minute breaks every hour to remember yourself. And that you are still in this experiment, where we’ve told you that your one main job is to not worry about anything.
Perhaps you will find moments of gentle curiosity bubbling to the surface. Maybe now is the moment try reading a different kind of book, or having a conversation with someone new about something foreign to you. It won’t solve all your problems, but what is there to lose? If you are observant, you might notice that people are acting differently towards you when you are in this curious, no worries space. I wonder if they are hip to your new sense of purpose?
Naturally, and inevitably some road block will come back up again. That’s okay too. Maybe this time you will notice a different quality to this or that roadblock. Or maybe you are experiencing complete deja vu. Well, good, now we have an opportunity to view your patterns from a broader perspective. Deja vu is a great time to pay attention and try some new things. Whatever thing keeps popping up, our goal now is to become curious about what is on the other side of negative emotions associated with it.
So, please go out and be alert and active. But also, let’s see what happens when we just let all the negative thoughts and emotions pass through the mind before we get to going again. As you re-emerge into the world outside, just know that I will be joyfully taking on my own life and own challenges, and I will be quietly trusting you to find your way too.
12/15/2017
Michaela Downs is a freelance consciousness instructor in Sebastopol, CA. Workshop titles include: Curiosity; Digestive Yoga; Dehydration Revisited; Self-Inquiry, and much more to come. E-mail her at mkmdowns@gmail.com for event booking.
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